By: Kylie Jacobs
All this rain in California is so depressing ugh! But honestly it makes me think about where Im at right now. You know people look at me and say “Oh Kylie! You are doing so good! You love the Lord and shine his light everyday!” And every time I hear this I want to cry. Because right now I dont feel that way. I was afraid to say this until now because I dont want to admit that I am weak, or that I stumble. I want to tell people that I never doubt God or I never crave my flesh’s desires. But I do. And these past couple months I have struggled with wanting to drift away from God and towards the world. Having family members be addicted to drugs, sex, and alcohol has made it VERY hard for me to fight these temptations. I look at my life and I see the path I have chosen for myself. The path to follow God. But the enemy got into my head recently, and he told me I am not living my life! I need to go out and drink and party! You know have some fun! God will forgive me he says. All I have to do is just take one sip of alcohol, or just go home with that guy once. Its no big deal. And honestly I started to believe the enemy’s lies. My whole life I told myself I wasn’t going to turn out like my biological family. That I would NEVER do the things that they did. NOT EVEN ONCE. But its so hard to stay on that path.
I admit I was struggling with saying no to the offers I was getting for alcohol, drugs, and sex. I just wanted to see what the big deal was. Why were people so into it? I watched my mother try to kill herself because she felt trapped and alone under these things. But what I noticed was that people loved these things more than God. And then again, another lie crept into my head. The enemy telling me “Because they are better than God.”
So for months there has been this war going on inside of me between God and the enemy. Going back and forth telling myself to JUST DO IT but then stepping away and saying “No, this is wrong.” I have pushed people away, I have shut myself out of there lives, and I have put my family through hell. But the worst part about this all was that nobody knew. Nobody knew why I was shutting them out, or why I was suddenly fighting with everyone. And nobody knew all the things I secretly struggle with. Why? Because I was/am to afraid to tell them. I am to afraid of being rejected or abandoned. I am to afraid to admit that I struggle. I tried to be the strong Christians I look up to. I tried to be the person God wants me to be. But Im not. Im not this great amazing person. I am a sinner just like you.
Today as I sat in my car after I got back from the grocery store, I started to cry. People were probably looking at me thinking I was crazy! But all I could think about right then was all the things I have done to displease God, and how he loves and forgives me anyway. I may not have ended up participating in those acts (Thank God!) But I still abandoned God by believing the enemy’s lies and honestly, the only thing that was keeping me from falling under my temptations was my fear of becoming addicted. It wasn’t God, it was fear. I didn’t come to God and say help me. I just pushed him away like I did to everybody else. And thats why I was so upset. Because even though I was creeping towards the other side God kept pouring his love down on me and showing me grace and mercy. I had betrayed him and in return he said “I love you.”
Why did he choose to have a dirty sinner like me as a daughter? Why did he save me? I have no idea. I dont know what he sees in me but I know that there must be something there otherwise I wouldn’t still be here. If you feel alone, or you are believing the enemy’s lies, know that you can always turn to God, no matter what. He is always there for you. Do I still struggle with temptation? Of course I do. But I am able to fight it because I chose to stop fighting in my own strength, and start fighting in Gods.
Let me tell you from personal experience that there is NOTHING better than God. Drugs, sex, alcohol, none of that can fulfill you. I knew that, but I opened the door to my heart for the enemy to step right in and make himself at home. But my heart doesn’t belong to him, it belongs to God. Let God take your heart back. Dont let the enemy win. If you guys need prayer let me know, if you need someone to talk to let me know, if you just need someone to listen to let me know. Because I love you no matter what you have done. Just like God does. I dont judge or hate. I hope you are having a great night! Sorry it has been so long since I wrote anything. But dont worry I am back. The war is over;)