People say history repeats itself. Is that really true though? Because if it is then man, I should have been to juvie already. I have never shared my past with you guys before, and honestly it’s because I’m afraid to bring it out of my closet. But today I am going to share a part of it with you. One day I will share my WHOLE story with you all, but until then this will have to do. Before I share with you something that has been on my heart to say for a while, I want you to know something.
YOUR PAST DOES NOT DEFINE YOU. AND IT NEVER WILL.
I grew up with a father who left to live in a jail cell when I was three years old and a mother who hated her life so much she turned to drugs, alcohol, and sex to make her happy again. One night my mother tried to commit suicide in our kitchen. I came out to get a snack and saw her, the next thing I knew I was being carried out by the most wonderful woman in the world. That woman soon became the person I call my mother now. That’s right, I am a foster kid, and I am currently in a guardianship with two amazing parents who love me unconditionally. What ever happened to the woman who gave birth to me? Well I haven’t seen her in years but I hear she is now married with another daughter living somewhere in sin city, right where she thinks she belongs.
It’s no lie that BOTH of my parents have made mistakes. They turned to other things to fulfill them instead of realizing all they needed was God. Growing up people would always warn me not to turn into them, and the people with extra cruel hearts would tell me it was too late to try to change who I was and I had already started to show signs that I would travel down the same path as they did. The two people in the world who believed I was different were my parents (a.k.a my guardians) and for that I am forever grateful, because without them I would have just given in and believed the lies from my peers. I was determined to be different than the family I was born into. And for a while I was. But as you can probably guess things changed.
When I was ten years old I went to go live with my biological grandmother due to reasons I am not quite ready to share. Let me just say that this lady was crazy. She was a very spiritual person and she did TRY. I wish I could have been strong enough to tell her that what she was doing was wrong. But as a ten year old girl who had been through so much pain and suffering I didn’t really feel like sticking up for God. Actually I hated Him. I had been a Christian for four years, and oh how I had LOVED the Lord. I was so bold in my faith I wanted everyone to know who He was! Until four years later when I got into my grandmother’s car to head back to Humboldt County, where she lived and where I was born. As we headed on the path to my “new” home I had no idea I was also heading into a trap set up by the enemy. I got into a lot of weird things down there that I am not proud of. I just wanted to make God feel the same pain as I had. My grandmother was verbally and at one point physically abusive. She had overdosed me on my medication for depression more than once just because she didn’t want to deal with me. I was so lost and I didn’t know who to turn to; I had nobody. All my friends had left me because of my outbursts and I would sit alone in my bedroom and listen to music. I wanted to be a singer. So I started to sing in my grandmother’s church choir. Everyone had thought I was good except her. Don’t forget the verbal abuse I suffered from her. I was never good enough. And apparently to her I was just like my mother. Everything I had tried not to be was all for nothing because in the end I was like her, so why should I still be here? I told myself. Soon life itself became too overwhelming. I started to google the easiest ways to kill yourself. I would grab knifes from the kitchen and point it at my chest daily. I wanted things to end. But I never could do it.
Apparently my dad had been living in Arcata which is a town about 20 min away from mine. He had called me one day asking to see me. I had a brief memory of him and had made up a fairytale version of him in my head, He was supposed to be this great guy who would take me out to ice cream and buy me a puppy. So I said “Of course I would love to see you!” I wish I could go back in time to that moment and rip the phone line out. I had made a terrible mistake. On my way to see him I tried to remember what he looked like, and then I saw him. I could have just looked straight in a mirror because we looked almost exactly alike. We sat down in a park and he pushed me on the swings and the image of him I had made in my head had started to become clearer. After that months went by and I hadn’t heard from him. I called and called but no answer. What I didn’t know was that this was going to be a recurring problem. His voice on his voice mail would soon be the only thing I hear from him. Then out of the blue he called me back and said he wanted to see me again. So the process started all over. But this time he wanted me to see his new house, his house that had a back room full of marijuana plants and a storage room full of guns. I was too young to understand that he was dealing drugs and selling guns. A few months after that I went back and saw that he was now a pimp daddy and his “girlfriends” were actually prostitutes. My dad was not the person I thought he was, and I was crushed to find this out. Soon I had decided I was done seeing him and I told him that. I told him to get his life together if he wanted to see me. That never happened so I never saw him again after that.
Shortly after I stopped seeing my dad I was taking a walk with my only friend left, let’s call her Blair. She and I were on our way to do some pretty evil things when it happened. I stopped dead in my tracks, a voice in my head that I knew was God had spoken to me. “Kylie, stop.” I heard. He hadn’t meant for me to stop walking, he meant for me to stop what I was doing. To stop everything and follow Him again. That day I looked at my friend and I told her what we were doing was wrong, and we needed to somehow get out of it. She apparently had been feeling the same way I had and agreed. But to be so far into the mess we were in it was impossible for us to get out ourselves, I needed help and I had no idea where to get it from. I continued to do the things I knew I needed to stop out of fear. I literally felt like I had chains around me. The world had offered me something that looked too sweet to only find out it was really bitter inside. I wonder if that is how Eve felt when she took a bite of the forbidden fruit. Again, I was mad at God, why wasn’t He there? What I didn’t realize is that He was, I just couldn’t see it.
A few weeks later I had gotten home from school and the abuse from grandmother continued again like it did every day. This time it was different though, I had had enough! I called my family that had saved me before and begged them to take me away from her. I had told them everything that had happened and they agreed. It was time to come home. So I left the next day. I left the dark place I was in and all the things that I had done behind. That day I felt Jesus take it all from me. He cleaned my soul and I was now free.
I could tell you that this was the end of my story but it is just one part of it. One part where I learned some very valuable lessons in life. I learned that nothing is better than having the Lord Jesus Christ in your life. I learned that I will NEVER abandon God ever again. After this it was only a few years later that God had shown me where he wanted me. People have always said God had a plan for my life, and if I had taken it all those years ago I would not be able to sit here right now and tell you a piece of my story. I would not be able to write all the other articles I have written so that people could be inspired by Jesus, be inspired by a man who gave His life up and endured excruciating pain so that He could have me. Jesus saved me once when He died on that cross, but He also saves me every day from the sins that I commit and the trouble I get into. He can save you too. All you have to do is ask. Jesus is there watching you, protecting you. I didn’t see it back then, but I do now.
So now I am the creator of a magazine for girls all over the world, I have dreams of acting in films and just got finished with my first one. I want to share the story of Jesus Christ with people on a higher level. I want to be a witness for Christ in Hollywood and inspire people through music and my writing. And I am well on my way there right now. So if you think God doesn’t have a plan for your life. Think again. Because there was one point in my life where I thought the same thing. You can be anything you want to be with Gods help; He gives us each gifts and desires in our hearts for a reason, so use them. Do you like make music? Then play for God. Do you like children? Then volunteer in your children’s ministry.
Your past is your past and it is not who you are now. Just because your parents made mistakes doesn’t mean you have to make the same ones. I am continuing to break the chains my parents passed down to me. And you can break yours as well. With God anything is possible.